who are you?
It was about 6 weeks ago that my psychologist gave me a homework task to examine and answer the question, “who are you?”
So I sat down with pen in hand, to write down all of the things I am. A mum. A wife. A daughter. A sister. A friend. Then I looked at the things I do. I work. I take photos. I make things with clay. I do a podcast. I write a blog. I workout. This moved to the things I like/love. I love dogs. I love crystals. I love learning. I love creating. I love pizza.
How many times do we introduce ourselves by our role, or what we do, or what we like? As mum’s we often lead with the fact we are mums and rattle off the names and or ages of our offspring. We may or may not have a partner or a job but this will often come next.
I faced this question for the very first time in about 2007. I was 27 years old. I was in the second year of a teaching degree and was studying a subject about sociology. I was working on an assignment about the roles of women in society and a book listed as a resource was The Sacrificial Mother by Carin Rubenstein. I was sitting in the car, on a very hot summer day with my two kids (then 3 and 6) bouncing around the car as we watch my then husband play cricket. I was reading this book and all of a sudden I had tears streaming down my face. It was the first time in over 7 years that I had stopped to think about myself as a human being and not just a role or function. I felt angry that I had been reduced to a sacrificial mother. I felt confronted that a mirror had been turned to me, and I had to stare back into it and face the question, who am I? In my quest to be the best damn wife and mother that I could be, I had completely lost sight of who I was. My preferences, likes and dislikes didn’t seem to matter anymore. But this wasn’t anyones fault more than my own! This was not something that had been stolen from me, this was something I gave up freely - because that is what I thought being a mum was all about.
I think of this quote but Robert J Quillen:
“A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”
What feels like a lovely quote is ultimately conditioning women that they are the ones who should be sacrificing as a parent. There is an unwritten contract between women and the world that as they are the ones responsible for birthing children, that they then bear all (or primary) responsibility, at all times for that child. And don’t get me wrong, I loved it. There are some women who love it. I loved being the mum that took the kids to daycare/school every day. The mum that was on the P&C. The mum who was at all of the daycare/school events. I loved seeing my kids faces explode into a smile when my eyes met theirs as they stood proudly on the stage to do a performance.
But what I missed was, me. My kids likes and preferences became my own. My then husband’s likes and preferences became my own. My likes and preferences were down a list that time or funds often did not provide for. But as a mum I accepted that this was just the way it was.
Until I didn’t.
The Sacrificial Mother book lit a fire in me that started a journey of self discover and reconnection with who I was. I often refer to this time as my “quarter life crisis” as in my late 20s felt a tad early to be going through a mid life crisis. The tears in the car were the light bulb moment that Oprah refers to. But this wasn’t a big bang which then resulted in immediate change. It was more the lighting of kindling. Each act of rebellion to the notion that I had to put my needs dead last was like breath being blown on the tiny red glow. Events playing out in my marriage and life were like bigger twigs and logs being added to the start of a fire so that it could grown into a full blown bonfire.
The fire was necessary - Like that part in Game of Thrones where Daenerys goes into the fire and emerges with the dragons. I fundamentally needed to change the way I saw myself in order to change the way my family saw me. I was not just a mum - I was the freaking mother of dragons.
It has been almost 20 years since my epiphany. My kids are grown. I am divorced and remarried. I am now middle aged. I feel like I am now able to answer the question, who am I?
Hello. I am Krissi. I am a creator, a story teller, and a daydreamer. I live each day with purpose and hope to realise my own potential and help others realise their potentials. I strive to see the world through eyes of wonder each day and capture some of this with my camera. I am unstoppable. I am magic. And I sure as shit don’t spend my weekends watching anyone play cricket.
Who are you?
Krissi x
