blink and you miss it
I can remember the day I found out I was pregnant with each of my kids
I can remember the day I gave birth to each of my kids.
I can remember the day each of my kids started school.
I can remember the day each of my kids finished high school.
I can remember the first time seeing my kids drive out of the driveway after they got their P plates.
It all seems to have passed in the blink of an eye.
I often tell my friends with young kids to savour the time they have with their small kids, because once they start school, life seems to go into fast forward, like x2 fast forward. Then when they start high school, life seems to skip to x6 fast forward. Then they are adults and are launched into the world. At this point, all you can hope for is that all of the lessons taught, time spent, love shown equip your kid/s out in the wild.
What once seemed like an endless array of cut knees or hurt feelings, toilet training challenges and growth spurts are now replaced with less frequent issues but ones that are far weightier, with longer lasting consequences.
I really never understood what my mum used to say about worrying about your kids, like forever. I figured if I could get my kids to 18 they were then free to do what they wanted to do and I just had to trust I had done a good enough job as their mum for them to navigate the world. But in an increasingly complex, unnecessarily cruel world, a world of increased senseless violence the world I was propelled into as an adult no longer exists.
I recently had a conversation with a beautiful friend about her teenage kids, where I said we don’t get a credit of time once we are done raising our kids. There is no cosmic coupon we can cash in to get the years of sacrifice and self abandonment back when the kids grow up. We have a responsibility to live our lives in meaningful ways here and now.
But I also urge all mums with young kids to slow down and look at what is and is not important - because not only do you not get this time back for yourself, you do not get this time back with your kids. In the blink of an eye, the tiny humans who see you as a living goddess evolve into stinky adolescence who are endlessly embarrassed by your mere existence. So when you kid wants one more story read or 5 more minutes playing together, consider what else you had planned to do and consider how important that may be. I totally get it, some of the board games we used to play were awful. Some of the jokes or stories the kids would tell were equally awful but let’s enjoy them for what they are. Enjoy the quality time we get to have with our kids while they still stare lovingly at us, while they still communicate openly with us, while they express their love for us effortlessly. Because all of those tiny moments, while they may feel monotonous or frustratingly unproductive for us, these are the moments that develop the characters and values of our children. These are the moments that create the core memories. It is not the big holidays or expensive days out that our kids really value. It is the routines and rituals and magic that exists in daily life. It is the love they feel when they feel seen and heard and like they matter.
While I am not in favour of blindly worshipping our kids and swooping in to fix the world for them so that they never have to experience discomfort or adversity (because all we do is raise kids who turn into adults who are not resilient or able to solve their own problems or deal with the consequences of their own decisions) and in the same way as a advocate for women and in fact all parents to continue to nurture themselves as they raise their kids, you don’t get a do-over with your kids. Every interaction shapes your kid. In a ever changing, challenging world, we have the opportunity to raise self aware, self assured, kind, kids who are able to scrutinise messages received from outside sources such as social media, television and the wider community.
This week, it is as much about unbecoming as it is about becoming. We need to stop doing some things that don’t serve us to make time, space and energy for the stuff we want to be intentional about.
Krissi x
