lots of little problems V some big problems
When your kids are little, it feels like there are constant dramas, fights, fusses, problems, injuries and tears. But then by contrast your big kids don’t seem to have anywhere near as many small issues, but BOY (!!) do they have bigger issues. Gone are the boo boos that can be fixed using a bandaid and a mother’s kiss, no amount of cuddles or snuggles can repair with them replaced by often safety, financial, life course altering problems.
I would love to tell mums that it will all be ok, that if you just, “blah blah blah” then your young adult kid will avoid any problems. The truth is that no matter how loving, patient, nurturing, you are as a parent and regardless of how many teaching moments you share with your kids - there is a lot of science about why your grown up kids make dumb, split second decisions.
The biggest ‘thing’ that we can give to our kids when they are little, is the ability to come to you with ANY problem they may be facing. Having open lines of communication where your kids turn to you for the good stuff and the not so good stuff is honestly the best case scenario for you all. Imagine your kid having done something really stupid, potentially life changing, and then feeling like their mum (or dad) is the person they least want to speak with in that moment. I am not saying to just chill out and be fine with whatever shitty news your kid may have for you - I am telling you to provide your kid with the safety to want to come to you when shit gets real.
This takes a lot of practice and we are not always going to get it right. There might be times that our resilience is low and we are unable to temper our initial responses - we are all human - but you can further demonstrate that humanity with your kid to continue the conversation in a meaningful way. Share with them your true feelings. If you are scared, tell them! If you are disappointed, tell them - BUT also ensure you are being true to your little family unit and the values and expectations of behaviour you have set for your home - NOT what you think others will think of you or what the neighbourhood Esme Watson (if you are old you will get this reference) will be peddling on the gossip mill.
The best way to be practicing this is to start when your kids are small. Provide age appropriate feedback and don’t be afraid to role model your feelings and being able to explain why you are feeling a particular way.
In addition to how you can work on managing your emotions and responses, it is important to consider how you manage the situation itself. Unlike when our kids are little, we cannot sweep on in and fix everything. Not only is it unhelpful for your grown up kid to not be learning important lessons and experiencing consequences of their decisions, often it is simply not possible to put the genie back in the bottle.
‘Being there’ for our kids doesn’t mean taking over control of a situation or expecting your kids to follow the same course of action as you would follow or that you would advise your kids to follow. And it is impossible to raise your kids with fear and raise them in such a way as that they cannot come to you, then somehow get all butt hurt when they don’t come to you when they need help. So the pathway to helping your teens and young adult kids starts when your kids are little by building trust, building open communication and not just an appreciation for, but a celebration of the fact that we want to raise independent, free thinking and curious beings.
If there is nothing else you take out of this blog and the accompanying podcast, let it be that as kids grow, we want to give them supported opportunities to make decisions. We want to role model our own decision making processes so that our kids can learn about reasoning and weighing up of options (and consequences) from an early age.
If you have grown up kids what words of wisdom would you offer to parents of younger kids? Let us know at @um___life on instagram and @um__life on TikTok. There is also the um…life podcast feel free to like, share, listen, etc.
Krissi x
